Self-Esteem

       I’ve always had trouble talking to people and since ADHD makes it harder to learn social skills, I figured that I just lacked them and so I was told about a book that outlines social rules, etc. Unfortunately the book was completely useless because I already knew most of the things they were telling me, this led my therapist to believe that I do have social skills I just don’t use them and she couldn’t figure out why. For the most part I agree, I think I do have the skills but my problem is that I feel like I have nothing to talk about, I have trouble coming up with things to say (plus my auditory processing disorder makes it difficult to grasp what everyone is saying in real time) and this basically comes down to a lack of self-esteem. I’ve always believed that everyone is more important than me and I couldn’t see why anyone would want to hear what I have to say or listen to my problems so I’ve always just stayed quiet. Apparently I don’t give myself much credit (or that’s what I’ve been told), and I do hold myself to very high standards, especially since I believe that I should be able to do things the same as everyone else regardless of my disabilities, but I think it will be a long time before I believe that anyone would want to listen to me when I’m upset or something.

       On the other hand, people generally don’t choose to talk to me that much, my therapist says that it’s either because they think I’m shy or they think that I don’t like them because I don’t talk to them but maybe I’m just not a very likeable or approachable person, who knows. I’m really not as shy as people think (at least not anymore) and my not talking to you simply means that I’m not a conversational wizard. I have come out of my shell quite a bit in the past year though. I’m starting to give myself some credit and now have a bit of confidence in myself. Plus, getting a diagnosis and being properly medicated massively boosts your self-esteem. You are no longer crazy or a horrible person, there are explanations for how you act and you can help control it with drugs and therapy which completely changes your perspective on things and gives you a reason to hold your head up high. I just spent a week talking to tons of people I didn’t know (or didn’t know well), something I never would have done a couple of years ago. Now, I’m not going to lie, alcohol does help but I no longer require it to have a real conversation with someone.       

One Year Anniversary

       It’s been about a year since I was diagnosed with and began treatment for bipolar disorder. It’s been a long, gruelling journey and I still have a long way to go, but I think I’m impressed with the progress I have made and I’m glad to be done with the process of medication adjustments. I still have my moments but for the most part I no longer spend days in bed because I’m too depressed to do anything, I don’t go into hypomanic episodes where I lose all impulse control and end up drinking excessively, the fits of rage and intense mood swings have disappeared, and I’m gaining more confidence because I now have some control over my life. Most of this is due to the cocktail of drugs I take every day but I also owe a lot to my therapist, she’s helped me take some of the blame off of myself and changed my way of thinking about things (at least to some extent). I hate that it took so long for them to figure out what was wrong with me because I spent years hurting people and making them think that I’m unstable and just not a very good person. I’ve definitely dug a pretty big hole for myself but hopefully I’m on my way to getting myself out of it.

       I’ve also learned a lot about my learning disabilities in the past year and this has helped to explain many of my perceived “inadequacies.” I now know that my difficulty with doing things the way others can is not my fault and has nothing to do with my intelligence or capabilities and I also know that ADHD is a lot more than just the inability to pay attention. Unfortunately, I’m still expected to fit into the little box of expectations which occasionally makes me appear incompetent. I can’t make everyone understand what exactly my disabilities entail and I’m always going to have to do things that don’t come as easy to me so I’ll have to work harder than most other people. I don’t mind the hard work but it would be nice to have things catered to my abilities on occasion. I have to give a talk next week which is a little scary because I know I have difficulty understanding what people are asking me sometimes, my working memory is less than ideal, and it can take a while for my brain to actually process the question (meaning that I’ll know the answer about 30 mins or so after the question has been asked). This can all lead to an incredibly embarrassing moment, hopefully I’ll get out of it with my dignity still intact. 

       What do I still have to overcome? I think the biggest things are the inability to get myself motivated and my inherent need to procrastinate. Motivation and procrastination are a big problem with ADDers and I am no exception. I often dub myself the world’s greatest procrastinator and I’m sure people who know me can vouch for that. In general, I work better under pressure so if there is no impending deadline it’s hard to get myself motivated to do something. One of the strategies is to set your own deadlines but I find it hard to stick to that if there’s no one else depending on me, so that’s something I still need to work on. In terms of just motivation, ADDers tend to get bored with things pretty quickly (hence our consistent lack of follow through) so I lose my motivation for working on a project a lot sooner than I would like. I’ve tried a couple of things to improve on these problems but again, I lack the follow through so about a week after implementing my new strategy I’m right back to where I started. At least I’m trying though and hopefully one of these days I’ll find a strategy that works.