ADHD
comes with a number of less than desirable qualities, most of which only really
affect the person with the disorder. However, there are a few that make the general public not want to
associate with us, for instance not understanding social rules. It has recently been brought to my attention
that children with ADHD generally do not pick up on social niceties or
appropriate and expected social behaviours and this leads to others seeing us
as rude and immature. The social rules
that most people just know are lost on us ADDers. How do they just know it? I have no idea, it’s not like they all took a
course in social behaviour, but that’s exactly what a lot of people with ADHD need. This isn’t as much of a problem when you get
diagnosed as a child because you are put in therapy or have special sessions in
school where you are taught all the things that the rest of the world just
picks up on. But when you’ve been
diagnosed as an adult, who knows how different your life would have been had
you known all these social rules.
The
reason I bring this up is because I recently had to contact someone to ask for
a favour and I was told to make sure I asked nicely and included some chit-chat
(I’m not sure whether I should read into the fact that I was expicitly told to
include chit-chat regardless of whether or not it was required). My first thoughts were “What exactly is meant
by chit-chat?” and then (once my therapist gave me some examples) “I have
enough trouble coming up with things to say to people I know well, I have no
idea what to say to someone I’ve only talked to a handful of times.” The ONLY thing that popped into my head was
the weather, and that’s because I read on a website that is aimed at helping
people with ADHD develop social skills that you should always be updated on the
weather and the news so that you have something to fall back on during awkward
silences (and yes I realise how pathetic it is that I have to go on websites to
learn social rules but like I said, ADDers need a course on this). Now I never in a million years would have
thought to add in some chit-chat at the beginning of my email, the way I see it
is that if you don’t talk to the person regularly they’re going to know you
want something so why not just come out and say it? Why do you have to dance around the subject
first and waste everyone’s time? My
therapist says that it’s just expected and that people like to be buttered up a
bit before being asked for a favour (in order to entice me to partake in
chit-chat, my therapist has equated it to foreplay, which I feel is way more
important than chit-chat but anyway) which now has me concerned about how many
times I may have come off as rude because I didn’t know to start off with some
chit-chat, no examples come to mind but I’m sure it’s happened a number of
times. Actually, one example does come
to mind, when I email my therapist I always go straight into my problem, which
is probably a little bit different than doing it with someone else but it’s
probably still rude. I tried to ask her
if it was rude but my emails to her aren’t being delivered at the moment so the
answer is forthcoming…
This
whole discussion with my therapist about social behaviour and ADHD got me
thinking about a number of other examples where I didn’t conform to social
rules and probably came off as immature or inappropriate. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do
about it now, and I just have to hope that, like my bipolar behaviours, people
will put it behind them and realise that I’m working on it. My therapist wants to start an ADHD group so
that we can be socially awkward together (actually the point is for us to learn
how to associate with the general public but that’s how I view it). I’m not big on group therapy but we’ll see,
and then I always have my websites. You
better watch out, before you know it I’ll be a pro chit-chatter and will be
out-socialising all of you! Ok not
really, but hopefully I’ll improve.
